It was a summer day. I was dressed in black and wearing dirty converse shoes.
J yelled at me “Are you a punk girl? a rock girl? let’s meet each other!” I laughed at this particular way of introducing himself and once he had seen me laughing he came closer.
He was cute, the cutest guy I had ever laid eyes on. Dark hair, dark eyes and a stare to melt every girl in town. We talked about music, and after talking for hours he asked my number. I was reluctant but at the end I gave it to him and then I went home.
That night he sent me a text message, some generic stuff and he wished me a good night and that’s how it all started. We started texting almost daily and then, the next weekend he asked me to come to the mall to meet him and some of his friends. I was excited and when I got there I was more than surprised to see a girl with her arms wrapped around him. Disappointed and crying I left home.
When I was on my way home he called. I asked about the girl and he told me that she was his ex girlfriend and she was trying to get back with him but it didn’t worked and it meant nothing. I had a hard time believing that but deep down I wanted to believe it, so we started dating.
When I was with him I felt like if I had won a price, he was sweet and kind at the beginning. But after our first night together things changed, he made me feel ugly and worthless, we only had the weekends together and we use to mostly see each other at his house. Yet, often at some point in the evening he sent me home so he could be with his friends.
I started to sense that he was cheating on me but I could never prove it, I grew insecure and sad, I wanted to be with him but I felt that he was ashamed of me and he did not want to be seen with me.
After that summer, I started college and some school days after classes I went by his house to spend some time with him. Soon he became jealous of my college friends and we fought a lot; and I mean almost everyday were we saw each other. Fights about my friends, his friends and how he did not want me to hangout with his “super cool” friends but he did not want to hang out with mine either.
We were at an impasse. So we took a break, the first of many.
I was devastated, I felt a hole in my chest, anxiety and the feeling of failure. I failed at my first relationship, it was all my fault that’s how I felt. I was a zombie but then J came back to my life and things got better, I was depending on him to be happy.
We started an on again-off again thing, we fought all the time, it was a very bad, toxic relationship but I couldn’t notice it I was “in love”.
Every time we broke up I felt bad, really bad. I used to cry in my bathroom, called him no matter the time of day, swang by his house every now and then; it became my breakup starter pack, and I did it every single time.
It stressed me to think that he could be with another girl and one day his sister told me what I feared the most : you know that girl from the mall, well, he was still dating her. I cannot describe how bad it was for me to handle this, I was not human, I was a complete zombie. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t concentrate in school all I could do was to think about him and how stupid I was for believing that someone like him could be in love with someone like me.